It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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