I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
