You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Are we still banned from the library?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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