my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
