No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
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