you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
