You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
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Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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