no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
