Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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