Betty ford says i'm here all night
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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