If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
