White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
