I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
