I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
