life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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