Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
