weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
