i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
