I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
