I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
