you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
