I wish I only lived at night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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