Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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