I seem to have left my pride at pride
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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