Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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