Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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