Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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