i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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