Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
