Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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