There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
