You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
