pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
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Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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