The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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