and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
