youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i will never coherently bang her
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
