He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
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i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
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I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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