Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
