Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
