Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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