I heard we made out
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
