U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
