bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
