I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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