I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize