Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
