Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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