we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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