oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
