my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
