I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
