She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me