I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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