So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
