dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
