On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
